I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
