Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The beer is more important than you right now.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
