I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize