well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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