we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
