I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
