1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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