i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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