I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
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