Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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