Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
This is not my ceiling
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
smell my finger.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize