I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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