I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
