Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
