it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
