3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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