The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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