i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
why do cheetos always look like penises
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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