why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
