I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
