Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
