just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
