I am in a vortex of obligation.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
