Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
