my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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