Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
