youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
