On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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