stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
