sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
