i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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