he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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