Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
