I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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