can we get nightvision for the apartment?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
All I want is dick and wine.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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