Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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