I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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