420 ftw
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
