i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
