WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
