Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
