Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
