we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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