the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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