He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
