giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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