i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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