I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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