I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
foreskin is a definite game changer
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
