doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
