so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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