I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
