Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
