If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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