cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
