Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize