she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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