the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Randomize
