My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
